Most often I do not really want to blog about my feelings, especially lately because I don’t want my blog to be a lot of whining about how sad I am or how depressed I am. But I realised that you probably have no idea how I’m feeling with all that we are going through at the moment. So let me try to be honest, but not too whiny…
Last week I was sick with the flu – I was down and depressed because I was not feeling well, and it didn’t want to get better. DH even accused me of having the dreaded “man flu”! Because I didn’t really feel like I was getting better, the depression got worse… Thursday was the worst day – I woke up with a horrible dream – I dreamt that there was some kind of growth on the outside of my uterus, and that I had to have an operation to have it cut out. It was huge and I was worried that it would be an ugly scar and that they would also do a full hysterectomy. All I can remember is that I was terribly upset afterwards, because I could not imagine my life childless, because that would have been the consequence if I had to have a hysterectomy. All day I just kept thinking that I don’t want to live my life childless…
Then later, for some reason I thought of the moment when we were at the doctor and he saw our baby’s heartbeat was slow. I relived the whole appointment with everything the doctor said to us, and the next appointment where we were told that our little baby that we’ve been waiting for so long had not made it… I remembered vividly our feelings of joy that we were eventually pregnant, our excitement about the progress of the pregnancy and we could not wait for January to come to meet our baby, and how those feelings were shattered in an instant! I remembered the disappointment and sadness and the unfairness of it all. We were so close, but also so far away from that dream…
I guess that it’s quite obvious that I just completely broke down and cried and cried… The thing that makes it so hard is the fact that we cannot go for another IVF soon… If that was possible, I would have had some hope, but the only thing I can hope for is a natural miracle at the moment. People also don’t seem to understand that we really cannot do another IVF – they keep asking me when we will do it again, and asking silly things like “have you thought of doing donor eggs?” If we cannot do a normal IVF then a donor egg IVF is even more out of the question. We over extended ourselves with the last IVF, we weren’t even supposed to do that one, so another one is totally out of the question!
Also – it feels like everybody else has forgotten about our baby and the fact that I was pregnant. Everything is back to what it was before my pregnancy. No one mentions it, or even asks me how I’m feeling. It is assumed that I must be OK – and I’m not. Most of the time I’m not OK. I’m still incredibly sad, and I think of our babies often, I think often of how far pregnant I’m supposed to have been and how close the due date is getting. We would have known whether they were boys or girls or maybe even one of each. I am often wondering if this is all I would know of being pregnant – if this was the closest I would ever get to being a parent…
The other thing that really upset me was Shumi’s health – his eye looked bad again. There was a lot of snot coming out of it on Friday and Saturday – we were cleaning it about every 15 to 30 minutes. He also had some difficulty breathing when he was lying down, gasping for air every few minutes.
I had a lot of conversations with God – not blaming Him, but just saying over and over again that I know that is not His fault that we are going through all this, but the devil’s fault. I know it was not His will that we lost our babies. I know that He loves us, and every tear and every anxious moment is just as terrible to Him, than it is to us. I know that His word is true and that his word cannot return to Him void. I know that once it was said it has to happen. So I know we are supposed to be healed. I know that He is no respecter of persons. I know He has no favourites and there is no reason why He would not help us. I know we are not being punished and I know He never wanted us to be infertile. I know that in God’s land none will be barren or miscarry and that He wants us all to have a full lifespan. I know He will bless us more than any other people. I know He will take away sickness from among us. I know I am the apple of His eye…
Last night at church the message was about God’s love for us, and the minister kept talking about how some people perceive God to be an angry God that wants to punish us every time we do something wrong and he set out to prove from God’s Word that it is not so. And I just knew that I’m long past that stage. The thought doesn’t come up in my mind anymore. I know God loves me more than anything or anyone I can ever love. I know He is merciful and would rather forgive than judge or punish me.
I realised that some things have become more than theoretical knowledge – it’s become something that I believe with my whole heart, and I don’t have to go back to those thoughts ever again. I also realised that I have grown tremendously over the last few months – Just when I thought my relationship with God could not have grown any deeper it went to a whole different and more involved level. I am so thankful for that!
So what I’m trying to say is this: It’s hard, all this that we are going through. Very hard and I am depressed, but in spite of everything, God is helping me. There is this deep knowledge inside me that I can trust God and that He will heal us all. Even if it doesn’t look like it, feel like it or sound like it. I don’t need proof. I have read the proof in the Bible and I believe it. It’s taking a whole lot longer than I thought it would, but I’m not giving up. Ne.rida Wal.ker said in one of her video’s on You Tu.be that there are 3 steps to success: information, revelation and application.
I got the information a while ago, I have received revelation regarding that information and now it’s cemented in my heart. That’s the application. I think what helped a lot was to continuously confess scriptures out loud – it is second nature now to think of those scriptures when I hear something or I think something negative. There are times that are so hard that I don’t know how I’ll get through the day, but then I turn to God and He gives me strength and hope, and I actually make it. But there are also days that are better – where I have much more hope, and then I’m so grateful to God for what He has done for us, and is still doing for us. With the help of God we will be OK, eventually, I know that. But it’s not easy…
I’m feeling very depressed and hopeless right now too…I do have hope because of my relationship with the Lord but my flesh keeps telling me that it’s hopeless. It’s such a frustrating battle to constantly be fighting. But I too have experienced the Lord giving me strength through each day and I know He will continue to do so wherever this road takes us.
Hi Marion
I think of you often and I am so terribly sorry you are having such a difficult time. You have been through so much and are entitled to feel broken and hurt and sad so please don’t think you are whiny and be hard on yourself. I hope more than anything that you get your natural miracle and that you arms are finally filled with that baby you so desperately deserve. In the meantime I wish you much love and strength and pray you find peace.
I’m sorry you’re battling my friend. What I am happy to hear is that you are allowing God to use this hardship to nurture and grow your relationship with Him. That is no mean feat, it’s too easy for us to turn our backs on Him in anger and mistrust.
You are a shining light for many of us and I am grateful that you are around.
I pray that your dreams come true and that Gods word turns into reality for you guys sooner rather than later.
Much love
xxx
Hi Marion
I have not read your blog for a while, just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts almost every day. You are a true inspiration and your comments on the IF blog means a lot to me and I am sure to the other ladies as well. I truelly hope the black days get less and that the light shines through every day a bit stronger.
Love
Coco
Hi Marion, thank you for this blog which I stumbled upon. I feel that I have so much to identify with you, ivf, natural pregnancy then miscarriage…etc. It is such a tough journey, knowing God does not make it easier or less painful. I am so encouraged by you that you continue to trust God’s love for you. I was angry, doubtful at certain points on this journey but then I know His word is true and I came back to him again and again. It is really a process where He turns our head knowledge to heart knowledge. Thank you again for your blog, you are a mighty woman of God!!! May God bless your current pregnancy!!!